Thursday, 2 October 2008

How we get wounded

As babies we need to be mirrored, to experience ourselves and have our needs and desires validated. People generally have no problem in mirroring and validating a baby's need to suck for comfort and nourishment. A feeding baby soon evokes coos of approval. But, when babies and toddlers discover their genitals ... its a different story. Embarassment, distraction, or anger often follow. The child soon gets the message that meeting some of theirneeds is OK and others aren't.

Later as young children, caught in the trianlge with our parents we so much want to be validated by the parent of the opposite sex and not seen as rivals. We need our natural erotic longings to be gently appreciated and also contained and given the message that our genitals are fine as a source of pleasure.

In teens we need the opposite sex parent to give us a message that we are becoming a beautiful young man or woman. We need our delicate (particularly in girls) sense of being a sexual being in a sexual body to be seen and appreciated; but of course not invaded. Often, for fear of being seen as lecherous or fear of their own sexual feelings, fathers push daughters away or try and still see them as little girls or get so protective of them that they give the message that it is dangerousto be a woman. If the mother also doesn't model being a sexual woman who if fine about her body; then the teenager is likely to be psychologically in trouble; still not getting the accurate mirroring and validation needed to get a healthy self-image and body image and to feel good about their sexuality.
In my work I often come across this scenario and provide the permission, validation and healing to enjoy who you really are .

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